4th Of July

So I realize this was a few days ago but I had to write about it. This was the BEST 4th of July I have ever had.

Let me first start by saying that I am not a 4th of July person. When I was in the 8th grade, our neighbor's house caught on fire from a bottle rocket and it scared me so bad I did not sleep in the house for a week. I slept on a lounge chair in my sleeping bag. Getting caught in a fire is probably my greatest fear.

I was also in the middle of a riot in downtown Huntington Beach in 1993. I had a firecracker explode off my leg and someone threw a flower down my shirt. So, two not so great experiences.

As a kid, we used to have block parties which were great but the house fire pretty much killed any excitement for me for fireworks. Don't get me wrong, I have no issues with firework shows like Disneyland. It is the ground stuff and illegal in the air things.

Fast forward to this year. My cousin, Melody, her husband, Tom, and their 31/2 year old son, Zach, were here from Missouri. I have not seen Mel or Tom in a long time. Mel and I were very close growing up along with her twin sister Merri. Both sang at my wedding. Along with Mel, Tom and Zach, John's BFF Star Wars buddy Todd and his daughter Calystia were also in town. They just moved back from Colorado.

Since my mom has been out of commission I hosted the BBQ at their house. We all had a blast. I did what I love to do, which is hosting a party with all the fixings. I had not had an opportunity to do in years. I am pretty sure I surprised some people with my *hosting* skills. The kids played together pretty nicely and just hanging out with family and friends felt really good. We were able to watch the neighboring city's private country club's fireworks show from chairs on my parent's street and the neighbor did some ground fireworks, which are illegal. I enjoyed those as well and did not freak out at the sight of them which is a nice change.

When we got home, I did make John check the smoke detectors before going to bed but the most important thing was that I really had a great time. The best part about the day???? I actually slept the whole night without any nightmares or freaking out that I wander around the house smelling for smoke.

Jury Duty

Those two words can send shivers down the spine of most people. That letter that tells you, *Congratulations, you get to sit around a room with a bunch of people you do not know trying to figure out if any life experience will get you out of it.*

I received one of those letters a couple of days ago. The kicker, it is NOT for Superior court but for Federal. It is not a one day, one trial type service but a be on call for 8 days or one trial. Nobody I know has ever has this service before and I am going on my second round of Federal Service.

I am almost 40 and I have had a jury summons almost every year since I was 18. How the hell does it happen that there are people who are my age and has NEVER had it?

I do understand the need for normal people to be able to sit on a jury to ensure that justice is served whether it is a guilty or not guilty verdict. I understand that we are the keepers of justice. The only problem with me being on a jury is I have slowly discovered that I pretty much hate stupid people. I do not want to be the keeper of the stupid or insane.

So for a brief, okay not so brief moment, I thought about not responding and ignoring that letter. Hell, I even searched the Internet to see what can happen to me if I do ignore it. What are they going to do, send the jury police after me? Like that is money well spent.

So do I toss it? No, I filled out my form like a good little citizen. I informed my boss of the letter and what that meant. John and I are working on a plan for him to drop off and pick up Shawn if he needs to. I am picking out a good book to read. We are covering all our bases.

I will serve my country as a potential juror and hope that I either get picked early or not at all. I do not want to be the poor sap picked on the last day of my call in service day and get some 18 day capital punishment murder trial.

Why do I now want to sit on such a case you ask...I could never not talk about it for that long and do not even talk to me about sequester.

Funk

Have you ever been in a funk and not know why. I am feeling like that now. I am sure it is the weight issue but not totally.

I think I am tired, my feet are constantly swollen with edema, I have not been the greatest on plan with WeWa and I just have that blah feeling.

Sometimes I get this way and it will last for only a few hours and sometimes for a couple of days. With my Psych background, I am very good at self diagnosing and most people tell me I am really good at assessing my issues. I guess I need to look at all the facts and come up with a reason. My first guess leads me to weight, the second is that I am a bit scared too.

I have been reading up on edema and it is not just all water retention. I guess I am a bit afraid to find out what it causing it. It could be my lack of WeWa motivation so I guess I should be Nazi on plan and see if it goes away. If not, then I guess I am calling the doctor.

Oh happy, happy, joy, joy.

Heat Wave

Okay, so people from California do not really know what HOT truely is but right now it is fucking HOT! I do not do well in the heat. That is one of the reasons we live in a beach city and only about two miles from the beach. I get very sweaty and my face turns bright tomato red even when I am not exeriting myself.

I have no idea how people live in hot states. I could never do it.

At least we have the pool. Shawn and I will be in it in about 1/2 hour or so and stay there for most of the afternoon. We plan on going to see Kung Fu Panda tonight in a nice air conditioned theatre. What could be better.

Anger Issues

I am wondering if I am having some anger issues. I have now been in two verbal confrontations in the last two days with perfect strangers. The first yesterday at the recycling center and then today in the Costco parking lot.

At the recycling center there was this lady to kept bitching at some guy who was using the manual machine but also had his stuff in line to have the attendant take care of. She kept complaining that he is not supposed to be doing that, etc... I finally told her to shut it. I was tired of hearing her bitch. She, of course, told me to mind my own business. I told her no, I had to hear her and I was tired of it. She kept bitching and I kept telling her to shut her piehole. She called me rude. I told her that rude was me telling her that she needed to go back to hell 'cuz her daddy was calling her. The whole situation really did have nothing to do with me but she so royally pissed me off with her whining.

Then today at the Costco parking lot, I was waiting for a parking spot and some guy tries to push his shopping cart between me and the curb and he hits my car with the cart. I expected some apology by a wave of the hand or something but, NO, he keeps walking. I get out of my car and yell, *Thanks for hitting my car and not apologizing. That is really classy.* He yells back, *Bitch.* So I yell to him, *Yes, I am a bitch and so is karma. Remember not apologizing when karma bites you in the ass.*

I am not sure why I have been so verbal lately. I think I am at a point when I am so tired of stupid people. I am tired of people who bitch just to bitch. I am tired of people who take no responsibility in their actions. I am just tired of people. Maybe I have just been on chubby chat for too long.

Sleep. Is it really that important?

Well if you read the magazines and Internet, it seems to be. The more sleep you get the better for your weight. Well, I guess that explains why I am fat. I do not sleep well.

Between animals that wake you up, roommates having sex, to obnoxious neighbors, to a husband that snores, to a child that cries or has bad dreams, to how warm or cold it is and my set internal body clock I do not think I have had a good night's sleep in decades.

I thought about seeing a sleep specialist but if I cannot sleep in the comfort of my own bed, how the fuck do I plan on sleeping in some room with things attached to my head, body or anything else touching me.

So I am destined to go to bed at 9pm, wake up every few hours, lay awake for a while, doze back to sleep and then get up about 5:15am to feed the cats. Well I guess it could be worse. I could never wake up at all.

So I will now blame my weight on lack of sleep and not the fact that I cannot shut my piehole. Cool.

Eight Years

That is how long John and I have been married. Our wedding anniversary was yesterday. How did we celebrate you ask? With a half pepperoni and half cheese pizza.

So I threw my points out the window with that and I had to start over again today but boy is Whatta Lotta Pizza good. I could eat that pizza almost every night.

So why did we not celebrate in style? One word, Shawn. I am sure we will celebrate it at some other time. We always do. We open Christmas presents with my parents around New Years. To us, it is no big deal. We made it through another year without killing each other or getting divorced. I am kidding. Well not completely.

We are thankful for each other and regardless if we celebrate our anniversary, which is only one day out of an entire year, we do love each other.

Back To Normal

So all is back to normal in our house. Shawn is his old 5-year old self again. All is normal but my eating. The last few days I have not been tracking my points like I should have. With Shawn being sick it threw me off and I have not recovered.

That is the problem I seem to run into. I have this all or nothing mentality and when I stop counting, I start eating. That is my cycle of yo-yo dieting and it needs to stop.

I stopped swimming for those few days and now I need to get back at it. I will leave work a bit early today to swim. That should make me feel better.

You give me fever

So Shawn had a fever between 100.8 and 101.8 for just about 3 days. I was getting worried as beside the one vomit episode, there was nothing else wrong with him. As a mom, not knowing why your kid is sick is very hard. I can deal with vomit, runny noses and coughs. The not knowing is the killer. Why is my baby sick?

Well today is the first day without fever. He is back to normal. Today is also the day I planned on calling the doctor if he did not improve. I am glad I did not have to make that call. I still wonder what his body was fighting and if it will come back but now I am grateful for normalcy.

Now hopefully I do not get sick.

Little Dude is Sick

So Shawn spends Tuesdays with my parents. They do all sorts of fun stuff. Yesterday started off fine, I dropped him off and went to work. I got a call a while later that Shawn wanted to talk to me.

He said his stomach hurt. I should know by now what that means but I just thought that he ate too much breakfast. He has also been acting a bit strange since my mom broke her foot. I did not give it too much credit but I should have.

I did stop over at lunch to see him. He cried that his stomach still hurt and he wanted to go home. Mom of the Year that I am I went back to work for a bit. I did come back to pick him up about 1 hour later. At that time I had the opportunity to watch him projectile vomit over my mom's off white carpet. Raspberry color no less.

After we got home, he just laid down with a fever and slept. He made it through the night without another puking incident and it seems that this morning he is generally back to normal.

I did find out that a couple of other kids at school have the same thing. I just hope he a better by tomorrow and at the latest Friday as he had his graduation luau that night.

Bodily mishaps

I burp. I fart. That is me. My body works like it is supposed to. I do not understand women who would rather die than make body noises in front of their significant other.

Was I one of those women before? Well yes, but I learned it is a natural thing to do. Do I do it at my parent's house. Sometimes. Do I do it in public? I try not to but sometimes something might slip. I do not walk up to someone, shake their hand and then fart or burp. I might excuse myself and walk to a deserted corner of a room or outside. I do not do it for reaction. I do it because if I do not, the build up can become so intense, I can become doubled over in pain that I can compare to child birth. When given the choice between pain or passing, I choose to pass.

I enjoy and eat a lot gassy foods. I prefer to drink with a straw which increases my air intake when I drink. I will not change to suit what society deems as socially inappropriate.

Who made this such a bad thing anyway. Burping is some countries is a sign of a good meal. Even farting is not made such a big deal in some countries. Why is it more acceptable for a man to do these things but it is not alright for a woman?

Well maybe one day, society will decide that these are bodily functions that help the body and I hope it is soon. Shawn takes after me. Poor kid.

Goodbye Maxie Girl

On Friday, June 6, 2008 at about 11:00am, our Maxie flew up to the heavens to fly with the angels. She had a very large tumor on the side of her face that eventually caused her to not be able to eat. She was basically starving to death and had lost almost 3-4 pounds over what her normal weight was. John and I, after taking her to the vet, decided that in order to save her pain, sadness and leave this world with dignity that she needed to be put down. She was 14 years old and lived a very full life and it was time for her to be pain free and happy again.

That was one of the hardest things we have ever done and as I write this I still find my emotions to be very raw. We knew before we took her to the vet that day and we would probably not be taking her home and I pretty much have been crying off and on since the day before. John has been really torn up as this was his baby girl that he has had since she was 6 weeks old. It is harder for him to express his emotions but you can see in his eyes that he is really hurting. I never saw my husband cry until this.

Telling Shawn proved easier then I thought. He did not believe us at first, he cried for about 30 seconds and then asked if we were still going to Chuck E Cheese. He has since talked to John about it and asked if she had really died. I think he is just grieving in his own way and I am not sure he fully grasps the whole concept yet. It may hit him later or not at all. I do know for sure that he did love her and will miss his Stinky Drool Face.

Our poor cat Tubby, who is her biological brother, sure misses her. He walks around the house lost. Bubba just does what he does best, sleep. I am worried about Tubby but I think he just needs some extra love.

I will be changing my blog name as it is a constant reminder that I no longer have three weasels in cat suits but only two now.

To my Maxie girlfriend, I will miss you so much little girl. You may have drove me crazy sometimes and you may have acted like a cranky old lady, but you were one of the sweetest little kitties I knew and I will always love my Maxie Girlfriend. Run and play for eternity as that is what I know you are doing right now. I love you.

I once was a fish

Since my bitchslap of love from Shawn the other night, I have made a resolution to exercise. Without it, my eating right will have no meaning. So my exercise of choice...Swimming.

I believe I once was a fish. I love swimming and the water. I can be in a pool for hours. I love the feel of the water against my skin when I am swimming across the pool. Maybe being heavy all my life has also helped my love for water. Not because I enjoy slipping into a swim suit but because I do not feel heavy in the water. I am almost weightless and my body loves that feeling. The final couple of weeks of my pregnancy was spent in my parents lukewarm jacuzzi. It felt so good to get the extra weight off my back and legs.

I swam at our community pool the last 3 days between 20-30 minutes. I am doing laps and resistance training for my arms and legs. When I feel like I cannot swim another lap, I am pushing myself and not giving up. My goal is to try to work up to 1 hour (1/2 with laps and 1/2 with resistance). I plan on taking today off and staring again tomorrow.

Luckily, Shawn loves the pool as well. He is in pre-competative swim so we can race each other on the weekends. I just have to make sure I have enough alone time to workout as he would rather play.

Poor Nana

My mom broke her foot last Thursday. She went to preschool to pick up Shawn and fell into a hole. Actually, one of Shawn's friends called to her, she turned around and took a step backwards. Down she went. She will be out of commission for 4-8 weeks.

My mom cannot catch a break. She is a walking pharmacy. She has RLS (Restless Let Syndrome), Fibermyalgia, and I have no clue what other ailments. She just got fully recovered from shingles. What else needs to happen to her? She is a wonderful woman who does not deserve to be sick or hurt all the time. I know it is not all the time but sometimes it feels like it and it sucks.

I am overly protective of two people in my life, Shawn and my mom. I would do anything for them. I just wish she would have a time of pain and drug free living.

Chicken Little

I would have never known that after watching Chicken Little for the first time with Shawn that I would be crying. Last night that did happen. I got a dose of reality, a slap in the face of pure honesty. Shawn was laughing at the part were the pig and whatever the hell that other animal was singing karaoke to the Spice Girls. He is laughing and dancing and tells me the pig reminds him of me. Why I ask. Because he is fat.

Those 4 words lit me like lightning. OMFG, my child knows I am fat. It was not said to be malicious, it was not said to hurt my feelings. It was said in honesty in a fun moment for him. I started crying. Shawn did not even know that I was for a while. He asked what was wrong and I did not tell him. I said nothing. I did not know what to say.

John walked up a few minutes later and asked if he heard what he thought he did. Looking at my tear stained face he knew the answer already. He wanted to take Shawn aside and to talk to him but I said no. I did not want to make a big deal of it. The damage was done already. But should I really call it damage? After soul searching, the answer is no.

What happened to me last night was maybe the kick in the butt I needed to keep on program. To make those changes I need. This happened on the same day that I got a health screening. Was that coincidence, maybe not.

My health screening is not complete but I am in poor shape. My blood pressure is high. I have NEVER had high blood pressure before. Even when pregnant. The doctor is also very concerned about the edema in my legs and feet. It is really bad. It had never been this bad before. My weight according to their scale is only 265 but my body fat is 46% and BMI is 40. So my scale is off by about 5 lbs or so.

46%. 46%. That number ran through my head. OMG, 46%. I go back in next Wednesday for a post test consultation. I will see what they say. They most likely will take blood. He wants to put me on a detox and cleanse. What that entails I have know I idea yet. He even said he was not a big fan of WeWa (Weight Watchers) as it truly does not teach you how to eat pure healthy foods. As long as you stay in your points, you can still eat processed nasty crap. I need to eat good food to get healthy. He also says that I need to get healthy before losing weight. Once I get healthy, losing the weight will become easier.

So I am scared for my health. What else will they find? So Shawn's comments on top of that really got me. I have never been this concerned before.

So what I am going to do about it? I am going to attempt this weekend to stay away from processed foods. To stay away from sweets. To drink all my water. To get in a nice walk. To eat mainly veggies, fruits and pure proteins. To stay away from sodium. Let me see if I can being my blood pressure down a bit and see if the edema gets better.

Shawn knows I am fat. I know I am fat. Let me see if Shawn can eventually see a healthy skinnier mommy.

My baby is no longer a baby

My baby is graduating from preschool. They are not having a traditional ceremony but a potluck luau for family and friends. I did convince them to do a traditional cap and gown picture.

Holy crap, that is my 5-year old. He looks so grown up. What happened to my baby. It seems like only yesterday I gave birth. Where did the time go? In just about 4 months he will be going to Kindergarden. He will be learning new things and meeting new people. He will be meeting girls. I am so in trouble when these girls figure out our phone number.

Help Me Obi-Wan Kenobi

You're my only hope...

So this blog is not only about my weight loss but also about my life. You will learn more about me then you probably want to know, but hey, that is what blogs are all about.

My husband, John, is a Star Wars fanatic. When I say fanatic, that is putting it lightly. He has more Star Wars toys then I can count and continuously buys more. My wonderful son, Shawn, is now just as obsessed. It is not only toys, but the movies and video games too. Now you have to remember that John is 35 and Shawn is only 5.

Yes, Shawn has seen all six Star Wars movies. I know, what was I thinking letting a 4-5 year old watch those. Bad mommy, bad mommy. He is now obsessed with playing the Game Cube Star Wars Lego game - *One more level mommy, only one more level, please.* This at 9pm at night. What is a mom to do? Say No! Not always a pretty sight when I say no, but it must be done.

For toys, my house currently looks Toys-R-Us threw up Star Wars. Legos, figures, sets of figures and vehicles so big, they do not fit on shelves. They came from Target, Wal-mart, Ebay. I am being pushed out of my house by Star Wars.

If I could just force push everything Star Wars out of my life my house would be empty. I would also most likely get fined for littering as well. If it is a fine for every piece of litter, then I would be selling my house to pay the fine. So not worth it. Then I would still be left with a pile of Star Wars toys and no place to keep it.

So what do I do with it all? I live with it. I live with stepping on Lego pieces and puttng them back together when Shawn breaks it apart. I live with the buckets and buckets of figures he has. I live with the fact that in July, new toys come out (a fact my husband told me the other night).

The only other option...I wonder how many points that Han Solo figure would be?

Recommitted

Now is that recommitted to Weight Watchers or the local mental facility? Sometimes it feels like both.

I have been fat most of my life. Maybe not morbidly obese like I am now but I have usually had a few pounds to lose. There was one point when I weighed 145 and I was thin but not completely healthy skinny.

I have made the decision to recommit to WeWa again. How many times is this? Hell, I have no idea but hopefully this will be the last. I guess I need to figure out how to go about doing this again. Every time I quit, I gain more weight back. I am at the heaviest I have ever been at 270. That number is scary. 30 lbs away from 300. If I pick up my DS and walk, I am walking with almost 325 lbs. No wonder why I feel like dying.

I guess in a way, I am slowly dying. I am killing myself with food. How close am I to a heart attack, stroke or any other disease? I need to put down the fast food and pick up more fruit and veggies. I need to stop going through the drive through and start cooking more healthy dinners.

I need to recommit to recommitting. I need to take the first step and hopefully this blog will help. It will be my sounding board, my truth. Words to help me understand that I need to do this for not only me but for my family.